Match Report

Another first weekend in July, and another chance for the citizens of Nottingham to witness the Northern Allstars do battle on the hallowed turf at Grove Farm. Both captains had made extensive tactical and fitness preparations this year, and both had modified team selections in an attempt to outfox the other. Think Mourinho versus Wenger, without the coaches having recourse to quite the same level of talent, gallic flair, or anyone capable of running the entire length of the pitch unassisted.

The teams emerged from their separate dressing rooms into the strangely clement Grove Farm air with the words of their captains ringing in their ears. Whilst the parting shot from the Excalibur camp concerned last minute instructions for debutant Dave Holburn, and something to do with Cookie's delicate legs, a rather more pessimistic plea was heard from Sid's room. If this reporter's ears did not deceive him, the plaintive Rugeley tones of Mr G.J. McKinlay could be heard exhorting his charges to remember which way they were facing when shooting, and to try and keep Excalibur's goals down to less than five.

Champions League handshake and Team Photo dutifully completed in time-honoured fashion, the teams lined up, and for the first time the extent of formation innovations were clearly visible. The Willoughby Dangerous Brothers (Tom and Gordon) formed the new Team Sid partnership in central defence, whilst Jack and Mince on Excalibur had slipped a position back into centre midfield and sweeper roles respectively. To the uneducated observer this might have seemed to indicate both teams adopting a more defensive outlook, until you realised that Sid had still picked himself in goal ensuring low odds for a clean sheet that end.

The first five minutes passed in a blur of frantic midfield activity, until the game settled into some sort of pattern. The old ankle-biter Dave Holburn quickly demonstrated that he would have a major influence on the game, as well as on the colour of his opponents legs, with Cookie and Graham visibly intimidated from the off. This freed Jack up to support the Excalibur attack, but Sid's defence was impressive, shielding their keeper from anything that might threaten him, like a shot on target, a gently rolling back-pass, or a Charles Hawtrey look-a-like wanting a fight.

Sweeper WebMaster breaks out, his run being checked by Max

Despite general equality in midfield, a goal was only a matter of time though, with Sid's strikers, Jim and Greenie, left feeding off scraps as Excalibur defence mopped up any semblance of attack, and around the half-hour mark a quick-thinking 30 yard defence-splitting ball by Mince found Dave H on the left behind his full-back. As Shaggy and Pete drew the Dangerous Brothers away, ironically from the danger, an equally quick cross from Dave H was neatly chested down by Lee to Jack, who produced his annual net-busting result. Quality from back to front, the footballing equivalent of a Paul Weller haircut.

First half corner danger for Team Sid (16 of the 22 players in the penalty area!)

This was to be the only goal of a fairly tight first-half, and both teams trooped off with all to play for in the second half. The ensuing half-time negotiations between the captains will be where many future historians of this game pinpoint the deciding shift in fortunes. With Team Sid being a man down, the half-time commitment to transfer a player was re-confirmed, and Lee dutifully returned to the bosom of the Sidney midfield.

Now some have claimed a dirty tricks campaign, others temporary insanity on Lee's behalf, but the half-time swop of teams did nothing to dent Lee's devotion to the Excalibur cause. Almost immediately after kick-off Lee inadvertently found the feet of his previous teammate Jack, who graciously carried the ball forward with menace, and in a wholly uncharacteristic manner elected to shoot instead of squaring it to an unmarked Shaggy. The ball struck the crossbar, but before the Dangerous Brothers and their comedy sidekick Max could react, Shaggy poked home the re-bound in true poacher's fashion.

At 2-0 down Team Sid had to try and be more adventurous, but when they did manage to either avoid or bypass Excalibur's midfield, they faced a resolute and disciplined defence. Inevitably, Team Sid were to be caught out by lightening counter attacks, with Jack and Dave H taking turns to spring forward and torment their opponents. On one such occasion, the ball fell to Craig McKinlay moonlighting from defence, who scored what can only be described as a spectacular looping right-foot drive, that left his brother rooted to the spot as the ball swept into the top right hand corner. A deftness of touch that is even more remarkable when one considers that young Craig has obviously spent the last 12 months, as Sid fades away under intense triathlon training, maintaining the overall McKinlay brothers' body mass.

Shaggy and Mince with only Sid to beat...

It became one-way traffic now, with Team Sid demoralised. On one attack, Shaggy, taking a cue from Jack, elected to shoot straight at Sid when 2 on 1 with a galloping Mince alongside. The shot had all the power and accuracy of a speech by a Tory shadow minister, which Sid gathered grinning and grateful. That smile was soon erased though as another speedy break from the back enabled Dave H to sweetly strike number four hard and low beyond the flailing reach of Sidney's right glove. "Great goal!" exclaimed Shaggy, and indeed it was. Well spotted, that Ginger Maestro.

Not long to go now, and cometh the hour, cometh the crazy-eyed scientific lunatic. Billy's boredom in Nets had now reached boiling point and he began to foray further afield, but was soon dragged back to face a series of last minute corners from Team Sid, striving to claim a consolation goal. It was not to be though, and Team Excalibur emerged convincing 4-0 victors upon the final whistle i.e. a shout from Clare on the touchline.

Note: for legal reasons this match report above will not appear in any edition of The University Magazine.

To see the Penalty Competition, click here.

To return to Allstars 2005, click here.