The Gospel according to St. Conor

The final instalment of the Gospels thankfully ends here, before it descended further into infantile appraisal of each Allstar's, largely repressed, love life. One can only hope that the 9 people who watched this match on a cold winter's Sunday morning continue to receive the medical help they so clearly needed. Interesting to note that a line-up featuring (for probably the only time in Allstars history) both Kane and Jason, still quite patently missed the innovative attacking moves of a certain Mincer.

Date: Sunday 17th November, 1991

Match: Northern Allstars v The Hog

Kick-off: 10:45

Weather: Foggy, Grey, Overcast, COLD

Attendance: 9 (!!?!)

Referee: [unknown]

Team: Grant McKinlay (aka Sid); Conor O'Prey; Jeremy May; Gordon McMillan; Kev [of infinite drug digestion fame]; John Gilligan; Kane Horton; Jason Davies; Tom Drake-Lee, Richard Isherwood; Alan Freeman (aka Billy).

The late withdrawals of Shaggy (tonsillitis) and Mince (for whom a mysterious injury caused paralysis of both legs for two hours on Sunday morning) led to the usual mayhem of trying to make up eleven players to start the match. Luckily, Sid surpassed himself and managed to persuade Kane and Jason to fill the central midfield roles.

Confidence was one again high after the Allstars' sterling comeback victory over the Blaggard's last week. Could we make it two in a row? Could the defence avoid giving away enough corners that we wouldn't be 25-0 down after fifteen minutes? Did the defence want to win anyway? Would Shaggy get off with Michelle again?

Due to late tactical changes your reporter found himself playing in the unaccustomed role of left-back. This led to a strangely inept performance for most of the match.

The first half was a torrid one for the Allstars. Billy, the centre-forward, decided that deep centre-midfield was more to his liking (à la Cookie) and consequently spent most of the first 45 minutes spraying perfectly weighted passes to the opposition's centre halves. The defence meanwhile was being worried by an unnervingly fast Hog's forward line and Sid's apparent unwillingness to pick the ball up. His method generally consisted of him roaring off his line like a recently castrated armadillo and aiming as almighty boot at the ball. The outcome usually ended up as an almighty slice with the ball around 25 yards to the right of, and ten yards behind, where he'd made contact.

Mercifully the corner count was down on last week, thus giving the defence less chance to invent new ways of giving away very silly goals. This, coupled with Sid's inability to get himself lobbed, meant that the teams trooped off goal-less at half-time.

The second half began at a furious pace, and with the Allstars' now magnificent defence repelling quick raids, the midfield starting to pick up some ball, the makings were there for a classic finale to the match. As both team began to tire on a very heavy pitch, Conor's superior fitness began to tell and he started to make foraging runs into the opponent's half.

The rest of the Allstars were going down like flies, meanwhile: Billy's twisted ankle, John's strained thigh, and Gordon's injuries to just about every part of his right leg. Almost as bad as Mince.

Then, about halfway though the second half the inevitable happened. With Conor mysteriously AWOL upfield after one of his heroic raids, the Hog's centre-forward popped up where Conor should have been, collected a pass down the line and then danced through the rest of the exhausted (hungover?) defence, before placing a precise shot just inside the near post. A goal rush could have materialised but the defence held its shape magnificently and continued to support the wildly inept forwards. Just how much are we (the defence) expected to do to win a match for these useless bastards?

The remaining twenty minutes were played out with the Allstars pressing for an equaliser (curiously this was usually in our own half and the other team had the ball), and The Hog replying with lightningly counter attacks which were once again superbly repelled by the defence. Alas, no equaliser was forthcoming and the Allstars crashed to their second defeat of the season.

After the match, Sid commented: "Unlucky lads, it was a hard match and...", and then a very strange thing happened: just as Sid was about to start whittering on about how much he loves Claire and all that crap, Jez interrupted him by proclaiming: "Jane is the most wondrous being in the universe, and I wish to spend the rest of my living days with her. She's dreamy."

And Shaggy still hasn't got off with Michelle since Tuesday.

STOP PRESS: Oh yes he has. He did it last night (Monday 25th) at the Hippo. Divorce proceedings have been temporarily dropped.

Result: Northern Allstars 0 The Hog 1

[Season record to date: P4 W1 D1 L2 F8 A13 P4]


  1. The Gospel According to the Unknown Allstar 2. The Gospel According to St. Shaggy    
The Gospel According to St. Jeremy
4. The Gospel According to St. Conor (manuscript)