The Gospel according to St. Jeremy

Again, this third Allstar gospel contains vocabulary that may offend, especially if you had a more than passing acquaintance with your books at University. There is a strong case, however, that one should be more horrified by the tortured attempt of a mathematician to conquer the basics of English grammar. Still, an important early text which provides an indication of the latent violence (rarely realised) associated with the average Allstars league game.

Date: Sunday 10th November, 1991

Match: Northern Allstars v Blaggard's Boys

Kick-off: 10:45

Weather: Cloudy, Wind @ 2 (on Beaufort Scale), COLD

Attendance: 1

Referee: Spoddy **** supplied by the opposition

Team: Alan Freeman (aka Billy); Conor O'Prey*; Andy Craig (aka Nipplehead); Jeremy May; Kev [of infinite drug digestion fame]; Tom Drake-Lee; John Gilligan; Gordon McMillan; Simon Fielding (aka Mince, Mincer or Excalibur); Neil Cook (aka Baby Cookie); Grant Murgatroyd (aka Shaggy)*

*in love.

Fortunately this week the only thing Sid didn't produce was himself. There was a buzz of new found confidence in the team, and the pre-match dressing room banter suggested that the Allstars were adequately prepared for their first victory of the season.

The match was to start at 10:30 but the Police had to hold the game up so that all the crowd could be accommodated.

So, eventually Blaggard's Boys kick off. The match began with the usual end to end stuff, and it became apparent to everyone that the Allstars defence was going to be virtually impregnable. This, one observes, may have been helped by the fact that that there were five members of the Allstars in defence!

However, at 11:00 both teams honourably stopped in respect of Phil "Yazz, Chips etc" Yarrow. Yazz, as he was affectionately known, played for the Allstars back in the glory days - but on the day before this match he had been snapped up by Ginger!

After this one minute silence (which everybody noticed actually lasted five hours), then Blaggard's Boys played their corner. The Allstars defence confidently cleared it away. (This is in fact the first corner the Allstars defence has ever cleared away!)

Ten minutes later, with the action really hotting up, an "unobserved" lapse of the rules by Billy produced the Allstars first goal. Billy caught the ball, dropped it to the ground, dribbled it to the edge of the box, and then confidently kicked it up the pitch. The ball then bounced towards the Blaggard's 'keeper who noticed that having Shaggy run at you at about 100 m.p.h. tends to put you off. Consequently, Shaggy headed the ball clear towards Cookie (Jnr.) who neatly placed it in the back of the net.

Despite Billy's slight overlooking of the rules, Blaggard's Boys took it in their stride and didn't complain once! (honest!)

Soon though Blaggard's Boys were back on the attack. They earned themselves a corner and nearly scored, but fortunately Conor hand-balled it on the line, and then pushed it past the post - with his hand. One would think if the referee was that blind (or biased in our favour) then Blaggard's wouldn't have chosen him, but then again that would have taken away one of the things they could whinge at.

A certain player of Whinger's Boys was rather fortunate at this point as he decided to argue with John, and despite pleas of "hit the ****" from certain Allstars, the stupid tw*t remained unharmed.

Then disaster struck, somehow one of the Blaggard's Boys broke free from his marker and leaped at least ten feet in the air to score a good well-timed header. It was noticed that Jez was nowhere near this particular player and was rather heroically marking at least two Blaggard's Boys - and taking them out of the game!

The Allstars' attack and midfield were quick to capitalise on Blaggard's euphoria by giving them the ball so that they might try and score again. The Allstars' defence gallantly held off Blaggard's team for five minutes - but they weren't enough and eventually Blaggard's forced another corner - certain goal! Again, one of the players managed to get his head on the ball, this time however the ball was headed directly at Conor's feet and so not to disappoint Blaggard's by neatly jumping over the ball - pirouetting with one and a half turns before he gracefully landed.

Understandably, Blaggard's boys were happy; considering how crap they were - to manage two goals against the best defence in the league - no, the country - they should have been orgasmic! Allstars, on the other hand, were ****ed off! But before doom could totally hit the team, the Allstars guardian angel - sex - landed, cunningly disguised as three fit girls.

This gave Shaggy the necessary motivation to get his nose broken whilst steam-rolling the 'keeper. Blood was everywhere. But as the bodies were cleared away it became apparent that Allstars had equalised. Blaggard's considered this a good point in time to whinge!

Nothing else happened until half-time! (or even at half-time).

Allstars started the second half with a renewed vitality. Blaggard's Boys noticed that the lynchpin (so Mince says, anyway!) of our team, Mince, was vulnerable to a good kick in the head. They firstly got Nipplehead to exercise this weakness by blasting the ball into Mince's head from five yards. Mince, being a typical hard Northerner, took this quite well and only lay on the ground crying for 3 minutes.

However, moments after returning to his feet, Mince was violently punched by one of their wingers (whingers!). Mince managed to deflect most of the blow by his nose and so he survived to dazzle the opposition with his nifty footwork for the rest of the game.

After all this initial excitement the game settled down in to them getting a corner and scoring. This time we did manage (well, Gordon did) a clearing head on it - but due to a mix-up, both Andy and Jez left the ball, which has rather conveniently dropped at their feet, so that one of Blaggard's Boys could stick it in the top of the net.

Further goals were stopped by a sterling performance from Conor - who it was noticed was in love (with Amanda), solid defending by Andy, complete headlessness from Jez and Kevin, and Billy's volleyball escapades.

With only fifteen minutes or so left, the Allstars realised they must act soon if they wanted to lift the trophy at the end of the season. Blaggard's conceded a corner. Allstars took it. It was cleared, but only as far as John. John was about twenty yards out. John blasted the ball at the goal, and to everyone's surprise it hit the crossbar and bounced down - but out of the goal. Then, to everybody's surprise - even more surprise than last time - Shaggy released his "Go-Go-Gadget" leg from his body - and so in spite of being at least ten yards from the ball, Shaggy scored. This induced a spate of whinging from Blaggard's Boys.

Allstars now knew they could win, if they scored at least one more goal and didn't concede any (I think it was Conor who pointed this out). Consequently, inspired by this piece of logic, Allstars attacked again. Andy passed a good ball to Mince, who had a decent chance to cross the ball; he f*cked it up - but rather kindly a Blaggard's defender helped the ball to Cookie. Cookie shot with almighty power and the ball finished in the roof of the net. Cookie had been four yards out. (The Allstars nearly scored again as Shaggy tried to lob the 'keeper - but I forgot this!)

This left eight seconds of play and Allstars battled hard for all this period! Then the referred made a decision, his first one, that time was up.

The general feeling after the game was that beers should be drunk, that Nipplehead was crap at football**, and that Shaggy was going out with Michelle.

Sid however did 'phone enquiring of the result and left us with: "Well done lads, I know I'm sh*t. Oh, and will you all come to my wedding with Clare?"

Result: Northern Allstars 4 Blaggard's Boys 3

**An alien hand has then inserted the following text: "Comment taken in best humour. Play me when I'm playing in position Shaggy and I'll break your legs!!!! Was Michelle good?" [Scholars suspect that a certain Mr Andrew Craig had unauthorised access to the Holy Allstar Scriptures and made this juvenile addition to the sacred text.]


  1. The Gospel According to the Unknown Allstar 2. The Gospel According to St. Shaggy    
The Gospel According to St. Jeremy (manuscript)
4. The Gospel According to St. Conor