The Gospel according to St Shaggy

More sensitive scholars have misgivings over the language used in this second gospel, finding the sudden interjections of Ye Olde Anglo-Saxon a little difficult to swallow. However, for authenticity, such linguistic playfulness has been transcribed with little censure. Moreover, this gospel is now often cited as the Allstar equivalent of Chaucer.

Date: Sunday 27th October, 1991

Match: Northern Allstars v Hung Like Donkeys

Kick-off: 10:55

Weather: Calm, Mild, Cloudy

Attendance: 0

Referee: Some **** with a ponytail

Team: Grant McKinlay (aka Sid); Conor O'Prey; Gordon McMillan; Jeremy May; Neil Cook (aka Baby Cookie); Ian Cook (aka Cookie); Paul [Jagger]; Simon Fielding (aka Mince, Mincer or Excalibur); Grant Murgatroyd (aka Shaggy)*; Alan Freeman (aka Billy); Kev [of infinite drug digestion fame]*

*bastard hangovers due to alcohol/drug frenzy of Gargantuan proportions.

Continuing the inauspicious start to the season, Sid, our shite manager, failed yet again to produce a full strength team. Nigel [Gwilliam] wimped out, preferring to stay in bed than run around a field, forcing [the] late drafting of Paul (which was just as well, since he was actually quite good). At the start, Hung Like Donkeys had only eight players - piece of piss you'd think, but after last week's total and utter cock-up you can't be sure with the Allstars. However, they did manage to find three more players and a ref. from somewhere after about five minutes.

Despite playing against only eight men, the Allstars managed to play with all the commitment of a dead haddock and we were unable to create anything vaguely resembling a good chance. Our attacking wasn't helped by all chances falling to Shaggy who was still under the influence and couldn't have scored in a brothel.

The deadlock was finally broken by Billy, who'd been running around the pitch like a headless chicken with a banger shoved up its arse all half, and he seized onto a through-ball from Paul and cunningly fooled the 'keeper by aiming his shot straight at him, and then knocking the rebound in with his knees. The Allstars first goal, and what a surprise it was a total f***ing spawny one.

One-nil looked like it would be a reasonable score-line for half-time, but we hadn't counted on Sid being in nets. Somehow Sid had failed to notice when someone had run onto the pitch and nailed him to the ground, and when a speculative shot from outside the box deflected off Neil over Sid he was unable to move an inch. It's almost incomprehensible that someone 6 foot 15 can get lobbed as often as Sid does, but then again he is a clueless f***wit.

We came out for the second half boosted by another inspirational team talk from Sidney, who had by now managed to get rid of the nails and move around a bit. They dominated the second half attacking down the left wing, taking advantage of the fact that Conor is about as fast as a centipede with 99 broken legs and arthritis in the other one.

However, they were almost as clueless as us in front of goal, and in the end Neil decided they needed some help and rose majestically to powerfully head a long cross into the top corner. The equaliser was quickly obtained when Gordon headed home a Mincing corner most impressively.

Our rock-solid defence now decided that it hadn't done enough to ensure that we lost (despite giving two goals away), so on a corner, Jez, all 6 foot 3 of him, was beaten in the air by a stunted pygmy at the back post. As if this gift wasn't enough, they then decided to do exactly the same thing five minutes later.

Despite a feeling amongst the attacking half of the team that the defence don't actually like winning games, a fight-back was initiated ten minutes from time with an acrobatic-legs-flying-everywhere-gangly-bastard shot from Sidney being parried by the 'keeper and leaving Shaggy with a chance that even he couldn't miss.

Two minutes later, Paul latched onto the end of a gloriously flowing move (well, sort of) to hammer the ball into the top corner and equalise.

Could mention some of Jez's moshing - it's good to see he's back on form, but I'm afraid that it was a question of quantity not quality. Cookie utilised his free role as an excuse to go and play left back again, and Mincer's a f***ing namby.

Overall though, an improvement by the Allstars (though still bollocks) and a still optimistic Sidney was heard to say, "We should get better as the season progresses, and I really love Claire and want to marry her."

Result: Northern Allstars 4 Hung Like Donkeys 4


  1. The Gospel According to the Unknown Allstar 2. The Gospel According to St. Shaggy (manuscript)    
The Gospel According to St. Jeremy
4. The Gospel According to St. Conor